The memorial at Place de la République in Paris, January 2016.

The memorial at Place de la République in Paris, January 2016.

Four days ago was three months.
Three days ago I sent an email.
Two days ago I missed a call; asleep.
Yesterday I missed a call; out walking the dog.
Last night the Eagles of Death Metal bravely got up and performed in Paris again.
Today I was up so could confirm my first therapy appointment for two days time.
Shit happens, and we have to deal with it. There is such a huge attitude of platitude(s) these days, which can make one feel like it should take very little time or effort to improve. No. It doesn’t work like that. Some things maybe, but not all.
I understand this may be a long journey, I will know more on Friday. But right now, I am content. Days are good and I am no longer living in close to constant fear. I am grateful.
I have changed though. My inner drive is no longer near, I cling to things and almost all I used to do I have halted. Not on purpose, it has just happened that way. I’m barely photographing, I’m barely writing, reading or even feeling. Thinking and doing yes, but for different reasons. I do things when I feel like it, no stress, no shoulda-coulda-woulda.
I needed to stop and rest, and I have done and am doing exactly that. I have a little daily routine which has helped my sleep, my movements, and my mind. I do not pressure myself to do anything in particular, but rather wait and see what the day brings, for I barely know what day or date it is anyway. It may not sound like much, but my days pass, I have a certain sense of purpose, and things are getting better.
** Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, Paris will always have a dear little place in my heart. It was a hole, but now it’s healing, and the thought of going home is bringing back my feeling. It can be hard though, for the closer I get to happiness, the closer I am to where I was when life went from peak, peak happiness to the polar opposite – and that can at times make me wary. Still, I’m beginning to get excited for home; for family, for friends, for fun.
** The fact I didn’t realise until the 14th that the 13th had passed, or what the 13th indeed means and meant, shows things may be beginning to move on, to mend. So for that I can smile.